


I hated you, but I loved you too

by Ruquas



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Insecurity, M/M, Marvel Trumps Hate 2019, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Slash, Sparring, Translation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:41:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23481838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ruquas/pseuds/Ruquas
Summary: “Um… I’m honored, Cap,” Tony said and knew as soon as the words were out of his mouth that they were the wrong ones. Someone please forgive his brain for not thinking straight.“But you’re not interested. I get it,”, Steve sighed and nodded. “I know, don’t worry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 7
Kudos: 139
Collections: Marvel Trumps Hate 2019





	I hated you, but I loved you too

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FestiveFerret](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FestiveFerret/gifts).
  * A translation of [I hated you, but I loved you too](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/578452) by Graceland. 



> This is for FestiveFerret, who won a translation in the MTH 2019. I hope you like it!
> 
> Thanks a lot, Shi-Toyu for beta-reading this thing and giving so explicit feedback!

“Ouch! Ouch, damit, Cap!”

Steve let go and Tony stumbled forward, holding his hurt hand angrily, which the Captain had just twisted behind Tony's back.

“You said you wanted to learn!” Steve tried to defend himself.

Tony rolled his eyes.

“Yes, and if I’d known that you just wanted to hurt me I would’ve asked Romanov.”

“Believe me, Stark, she loves to hurt you,” Steve laughed.

Tony sighed.

“Thanks, Capsicle.”

Steve pulled a face when Tony called him that, probably exasperated or angry. tony didn’t knew. He couldn’t really read Steve that much. 

Sure, the team had decided after the battle that it would be a logical step to move into Stark Tower together. His own tower. His home. Which he had renamed during his vacation. His home, which became the Avengers Headquarters… well, it wasn’t like the thing hadn’t needed to be rebuilt. It wasn’t that much of a difference to rebuild it with extra accommodations and surely they all were happy to have a home, right?

Except, that everyone disappeared for a few weeks. Sure, that gave Tony the time to rebuild as much on his own as he could. Even remodeling a lot of floors into apartments. And then everyone came back and they had a few problems.

Sure, they all tried to get to know each other. Tried to learn to live with each other and to make compromises. But then, none of them were used to live with other people for a prolonged time. And that had been a big damn step.

As a self-proclaimed playboy Tony was used to being around people, but not for a longer time. And it was even more difficult to be around people who could kill him without breaking a sweat.

That might have been the reason why he bravely asked _the_ Captain America to teach him self-defense. To be honest, Tony was starting to regret this stupid idea. He’d been here for almost two hours, getting thrown around by Steve. Tony was tired and everything hurt and maybe, just maybe, he’d sprained something. He wasn’t sure.

“Again”, Steve commanded, looking as if he’d just started.

Tony hated orders. He wasn’t some soldier that could just be commanded. He had already told Steve that a few times but it seemed that the other man either ignored him or forgot. 

He still nodded.

“Sure.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll show you slowly.”

“Not everyone is an old man here, Cap. I don’t need extra time to get my joints to move,” Tony fired back, his voice dripping with sarcasm, trying to provoke a reaction from Steve. Any reaction.

There was none.

Tony didn’t knew what he would do on the day when Steve finally saw through his mask, saw what Tony so desperately tried to hide.

“Okay. Then we’ll do it slowly,” Tony said. These moves weren’t even new terrority for Tony. He boxed. And he learned self-defense after his first kidnapping, learned more after every new kidnapping but without his suit he was still a normal human being. He could be hurt. He felt… vulnerable. He had hoped that Steve could help him with that.

But then, their bodies needed to touch each other, which caused a lot of new problems.

Sure, Tony knew that physical contact couldn’t be avoided when they trained, but every time they did, Tony couldn’t help but notice how… fit the Captain was. How his body felt. That wasn’t the only thing distracting Tony- his last conversation with Pepper replayed in his head on loop. The conversation she had with him before she moved back to Malibu. To give them both their space, she had said. And probably because she didn’t want to have anything to do with the whole superhero-business. Tony didn’t knew. And well… Pepper and he knew both that it was just one of many reasons.

Steve used Tony's distraction to go for his wrist again, twisting his arm behind his back. Surely Steve thought that Tony would learn from that.

Or he was just sadistic.

“You’re unfocussed, Tony,” Steve complained.

“We’ve been at it for hours, Cap. I don’t have a serum,” Tony murmured and closed his eyes to distract himself from the pain. It didn’t work, but there _was_ something else that Tony noticed.

“Is that an emergency gun, Cap, or just my reward for hard work?”

He knew it wasn’t a good idea. Steve was Captain America, after all, the biggest prude on this planet. Probably.

Steve pushed Tony away, harder than absolutely necessary, causing Tony to lose his balance. But even though Steve was already on his way to the door, Tony always had an ace up his sleeve. It was his building after all.

“J.A.R.V.I.S.; lock the door.”

Tony hated himself a bit for that. But even he knew that if they didn’t talk about it, then they both would just try to pretend it never happened and then Steve would move out and… well, everything would be horrible, horrible wrong and it would be Tony’s fault.

He had to try, at least, to explain.

“Of course, Sir.”

“What the hell, Stark?” Steve yelled, but there wasn’t anger in his voice. Only panic. Yeah. Okay.

Maybe he shouldn’t have acted so rashly, but Tony knew if Steve went through that door they would never talk about it. They would ignore it, would ignore everything that Tony just realized. He didn’t have any other choice. If Tony let Steve go, gave him time to calm down, then they would live their lives just like they had done before. Sure, that would be okay, but then, maybe if there was the chance that he and Steve…

Or, worst case, Steve would disappear from Tony’s life completely, ashamed.

Look at that, Tony acting like an adult! Opening lines of communication!

Steve still had his back turned, refusing to look at Tony, as if the door would open just because he glared at it enough.

“Listen, that wasn’t…. I didn’t mean anything by it, okay?” Steve said, sounding miserable.

“I understand that,” Tony started. “You didn’t really have time after you came out of the ice to just… do things. That’s normal. You had to get used to this time and then Loki came and… It’s understandable that you’re easily excited.”

Steve looked down. The tension in his shoulders was visible and his hands were balled into tight fists. It wouldn’t surprise Tony if the other man just hit him. Well, no, it would surprise him, but he’d deserve it. Still, Tony took a few more steps into Steve’s direction.

“That’s… It’s not that,” Steve whispered after a few long seconds of silence. He turned back around to face Tony again, obvious calmed down enough for at least that much, but he was still shaking. “Well, not only that.”

Confused, Tony looked at Steve. He had a few ideas of where Steve might be going with this, sure, but he had never been good at reading people.

“What do you mean by that?” he asked, but didn’t get a reply as another long, awkward pause stretched between them. 

Then Steve sighed as if all the air was leaving him, shoulders drooping, and threw a longing look at the door before he looked back at Tony. Or… well, at least in his direction.

“You’re the reason.”

Well.. that wasn’t what Tony had expected. 

“I…. I feel attracted to you,” Steve whispered, seemingly unable to look Tony in the eye.

Well… okay. That was… fine? Right? He didn’t expect that, absolutely not, but it was fine, right? In front of him stood the American golden boy. Pride of the nation, a man who came out of a time where you would’ve probably been... shot or beaten or locked up if you looked at a guy twice, and yet, Steve still stood here and Tony was very sure that he hadn’t misheard.

“Um… I’m honored, Cap,” Tony said and knew as soon as the words were out of his mouth that they were the wrong ones. Someone please forgive his brain for not thinking straight. 

“But you’re not interested. I get it,”, Steve sighed and nodded. “I know, don’t worry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

Steve turned around again and walked the few steps he’d come toward Tony back to the door.

“Don’t worry. I’m gonna pack my things and will move back into my quarters at S.H.I.E.L.D. I hope this doesn’t affect our work or the team,” Steve murmured. “Please, J.A.R.V.I.S.. Just… open the door.”

The door slid open, J.A.R.V.I.S. not saying anything. As quickly as he could, Tony sprinted toward Steve and grabbed his wrist just llike Steve had done severa times today. He just… didn’t twist the other mans arm on his back. That would be rude.

“Steve, wait.”

“I’m sorry, Tony.”

“For god's sake, maybe try listening first, okay?” Tony said while pulling the blonde toward him, out of the doorway, letting it close again. Giving them privacy.

“I meant that. I feel honored, more than that. Without a ‘but’ or anything. I’m just surprised. I mean… you’re Captain America. You were my first gay crush when I was a teenager. Sure, a part of me hated you, but that was mostly Dad’s fault. I mean, he liked you more than he liked me, even though you were gone and I… well, long time ago. I still thought you were incredible.”

Steve swallowed, his lips parting slightly. Then he shook his head and smiled, looking like it hurt.

“That’s very nice of you, Tony, but you’re still in a relationship with Pepper.”

“Yeah… _that_...” Tony started sheepishly and sighed, their last discussion now back in his mind.

“Let’s just say it has been a bit difficult, the last few weeks. I’m… not good at this relationship stuff. I don’t have a lot of experience in this area, no matter what the press says - and they mostly tell the world how I am in bed. Pepper was… she’d been the longest. She was patient, but after you came back… Well, of course I had told her about my crush. I mean, she’s Pepper. Sooner or later she would’ve found out anyway and maybe I was drunk. It was before they even found you and I probably should have never told her anything but…”

“Tony,” Steve interrupted his rambling.

“Yes. Yes, sorry,” Tony said and looked down. “She left, okay? That was what I wanted to say. She thought a break would benefit our relationship. Or not-relationship. Basically, she told me I should think about if this crush is just a teenage-crush or something more. And maybe she was right when she told me that it could be more.”

“Oh. I’m sorry, I didn’t want to cause any problems in your relationship.”

Tony almost rolled his eyes. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that’s Captain America for you.

“That’s not your fault,” Tony shrugged.

“Pepper and I… well, we never really were a couple. She’s more like my best friend, and I love her but… yeah, she’s Pepper. She deserves more than I can give her. And I thought that was okay but now you’re standing in front of me, the great Captain America, telling me that he’s attracted to me. Me. And I absolutely have no idea what to do. I just thought that.. it would be fair that you know it’s not one-sided. I just wouldn’t know what to do about that because… Well. Never did. I was too afraid, still am. Just for different reasons than in my twenties.”

“And… what could we do about that?” Steve asked with a slight smile. He had bent down a bit, his nose almost touching Tony’s. 

“No idea. What did you guys do in the 40’s?”

“Nothing. We liked our heads where they are and to walk around without getting beaten up.”

Tony rolled his eyes.

“I meant generally speaking.”

“Were we in the forties, I would have courted you. We would’ve had dinner, would’ve gone to the fair or to the pictures. I would’ve introduced you to my mother, to get her approval. The same with your parents.”

“That sounds unsurprisingly very old-fashioned.”

“And what are people doing today?” Steve asked, still so incredibly near, still smiling.

“Well, I’m not exactly the best example. A cheap line mostly worked in my favour with the women. They could tell their friends or the press that they slept with the great Tony Stark and my reputation as a playboy grew. I was an ass.” Steve tried to smile encouragingly at him, but this time it didn’t work. Tony shook his head. “A movie and dinner sound good, but we would have to stay in, at least for the movie. I really would like to avoid any press scandals the next few forevers.”

“I could cook for you. Tomorrow evening?” Steve offered and Tony… just stared at Steve.

“You cook?”

Steve rolled his eyes and nodded.

“That… yeah. That would be nice.”

“Good. I’ll wait for you around seven on my floor then.”

Steve bent forward a bit more, but instead of pressing his lips to Tony’s he just barely pressed his lips to Tony’s cheek - more a whisper of a kiss than the real thing.Tony wanted to sigh, or to roll his eyes, but caught himself. Prude. He knew it. But it still left him speecheless. A bit. Maybe.

Steve was almost out of the door when Tony finally found his voice again.

“And if you want to blow off some steam, you always know where to find me.”

“Good night, Tony,” was the only answer he got from Steve.

But at least it sounded more amused than everything else

**Author's Note:**

> If you have a request, [just visit my Tumblr and drop me a message](https://ruquas.tumblr.com/)


End file.
